Saturday, October 1, 2011

"You can't erase me!"

My daughter Sisilia seeked my opinion on which song to sing tomorrow at the Young Adult's Musical Fireside.  Not that my opinion matters but I suggest anyways.   "How about, "He Came for Me", you sing that song beautifully?"
Not wasting any time, she protested, "Mom you always suggest that I sing that song and I hate that song".   Well, so much for my opinion
I reminded her, "Don't you remember what Bishop Manatau said to you when you sang that song at the Relief Society Program?  He said, "Sisilia, you look and sound like a star when you sang that night". 
"Bishop always says the most random things".
 She answers and continues "I want to sing "He Knew" but I don't want you to play the piano". 
"Why not?"  Baffled that she feels that way towards me I pointed out, "I've always been your pianist ever since you were in diapers!  Are you trying to erase me as your piano player?"
"Yes mom, only as my piano player.  Every time I sing, Bishop Manatau announces, (lowering her voice she mimicks) "Oh, and here is Sisilia Toki with her mother Sela who has been her piano player ever since she was in diapers!  I'm a grown up now, I need a different piano player.  I'm not a little girl anymore being treated like a child."
Her statement almost got me rolling on the floor with laughter but I kept a straight face not wanting to further wedge that needle that's poking her pride.  Her feelings are crystal clear to me.  Yet, she lacks knowledge.
"You can't just erase me as your pianist!  I'm the best pianist there is for you."  I assured her.  Not because I'm an excellent piano player.  Far from that.  The fact of the matter is, I feel when she sings.  She and I are in tune together to whatever piece of music she performs and with that she delivers all the time.  Something that she won't find with anyone else, unless she herself can instruct that player on how to play the piece for her.
Exactly how she wants to sing it.
I don't feel offended that she no longer requires my assistant in that matter.  I find it hilarious that she's so determine to be a grown up.  Little does she know that ditching me as her piano player has nothing to do with feeling grownup.  Being an independent grown up and an adult is something more then that all together.  It comes from within, not from anyone else.  If she was at all mature enough, she would accept me and be proud that I, her mother, still is able to play the piano for her.  What if I'm dead and a goner, no longer around?  I bet she'll crave my skills as a pianist and wished she had appreciated me more. 
My head aches trying to figure out the twist and turns of my daughter's mind.  She's so unpreditable and I love her for it.  Any attempt to comprehend and understand her mind though can do a number on  my self-esteem.  How dare she tries to erase me as her pianist.  So for now, I'll just try to ignore her insecurities and immaturity and be here whenever she needs me.    That's the mature thing to do.  LOL

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