Thursday, January 12, 2012

Terrified

This morning he was doing so good.  Back to his sweet, burst of energy self.  My Mahonrai Teancum.  Then we took him to put in his PICC line.  Perhaps a 15 minute process and at the end, he was delusional and hallucinating.  Seeing his dead grandpa 'Eneasi and dog Sinchee.  Also, his recently deceased cousin Talai.  At first we laughed and then we cried.  He wept out loud seeming to say good bye to his dog and Grandpa.  Even Talai.  Got my husband crying but I struggle not to shed a tear even though I want to roll on the floor and sob out loud.  Pull out my hair in frustration.  God I've always been strong but when it comes to one of my kids, I'm weak like jello. 

They gave him morphine, vallium and another drug to knock him out.  Right now I cursed myself a thousand times over because he seems to be going through withdrawal.  They said the drug will have an effect on him but I'm terrified that by agreeing to have them put in a PICC line for his anti-biotic, put my son through something else altogether.  It took a while for him to come out of it.  For a few moments he was playing this Xbox Race Car game.  And then slowly he seems to be doing so poorly.  Complaining about a pinch on his chest.  They did a EKG and everything seem to be normal.  But just seeing him  weak and miserable makes me want to weep and rewind time.

I came out to write.  Get a little peace of mind before going back in to his room.  The miserable feeling of dread, fear and regret guts me.  I want my son back.  The way he always has been.  Cheery, laughing, teasing and loud.  Inside I'm such a wreck but I don't want him to see it.  I've forgotten how it felt to be so powerless and helpless.

Completely occupied with thoughts of what could have set him off like this.  In truth it should be the drugs they gave him but what if it was the antibiotic itself.  Having this weird effect on him.  So I spoke to the Doctor and the nurse about my concern and the doctor said, they'll run the antibiotic one more time before letting him go home and the nurse said that it's very rare that the antibiotic could have this effect on one.

I entered the room as he was waking up.  Already I could tell that he's gradually recuperating to himself again.  Always by his eyes and his face expressions.  "I'm hungry mom".  Thank God.  For a few brief seconds there was as tug-of-war within me and the doubts about the decision I've made and felt like a weak mother for having second thoughts about agreeing with the doctors' decision.

Waves and waves of relief floods through me as he became widely alert, hungry and consuming his favorite Wendy's chicken crispy burger.  By Golly for a moment there I was begging God for his life.  "Take me anytime"  not him and not one of my other children.  Life all of a sudden seems so empty and meaningless if I should loose one of them.  Any, one of them and it doesn't matter who.  His return made me thank God a zillion times over.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.  I'm always one to say, "Thy will be done" but to-day I begged,  "not yours but mine please".  So I have more time with Mahonrai it seems and then I realize again and again how precious our time with the ones we love.  Make it count.  This life and the people in it.

7 comments:

  1. Oh I am so so sorry. I cannot even imagine. I hope everything is okay and he just keeps getting better

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  2. "I'm always one to say, "Thy will be done" but to-day I begged, "not yours but mine please". So brave and honest. thank you for sharing. JahBless!

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  3. I'm so sorry! I pray for peace for you and that he gets better and better!

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  4. I'm so sorry!! I couldn't even imagine losing one of my kids. I hope he'll be okay and continue to improve!

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  5. I'm so sorry--I hope that he's doing better, and that you're finding strength!

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  6. I am thinking of you, sending strength and love <3

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