Friday, January 28, 2011

One of those days

Ever have one of those days?   One where all your flaws and unaccomplishments are mercilessly haunting you?   Where you're vulnerable to the overwhelming feelings of  inadequacy,  incompetent and failure?   As if you're caught up in a whirlwind of your own mistakes and imperfections?  Thrown, tossed and overturned within the walls of your emotions!  Well, to-day  was precisely that type of day for me.   It's an all too familiar "day" because I'm frequently visited by "them" in this journey to the peak of the mountain of my life.  (There's a peak in everyone's life and to some like myself, I have more then one mountain peak to reach.)
So for a brief moment I allow myself to wallow in this whirlwind.  To be momentarily tortured by these miserable feelings.  Approximately 10-15 minutes of depression and feeling down in the slum.   Long enough to boost my determination level and ignite my defenses to eject myself out of that gutter altogether.  So I launch myself at physical work.  Shoving and pushing furniture around in my living room.  Vacuuming, wiping, washing and rearranging.  Working my fingers to the bone because it sure makes me feel good.   At the same time, I'm going over in my mind what I need to do to get back on track with what I need to accomplish.  Pausing here and there to write things down and everything starts falling into place once again.  I am refreshed and rejuvenated.  Ready to take on the rest of the day come what may. 
Other then that, I can always bury myself deep inside a good book.  One that tickles and make me giggle like a little girl.  One that gives me a good cry.  So many kinds of books that just gives you the required boost to feel good about life and hopeful altogether that eventually everything will work out.   Books that takes you places and makes you want to go places. 
Encountering these down times are inevitable in this journey of life.  I also know that it fuels the fire within me to make things happen.  To stay the course and never give up.  Never ever give up.  To love life with a passion and to live life with a passion.  Not only for myself but for my children and their childrens' children and beyond. 

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Jumping the Gun

An Anthony Jones called me at work, upset that he went to the seminar and the hotel clerks had no idea what seminar he was talking about.  I took his zip code,  looked up the Melville location seminar and sure enough, he went on the wrong day.   The Seminar is not until Feb. 2.  We both laughed in relief as he blurted guiltily, "Man, I'm jumping the gun here".
I haven't heard this phrase for a while and for a moment I was taken aback by how sometimes in life we "jump the gun".  Jump to the wrong conclusion because we misunderstood, misread and misinterpreted circumstances as well as people.  Sabotage a relationship with good friends and loved ones because were were misinformed and misled by half-truths and  rumors.   We're quick to condemn and slow to understand.
It's not  complicated to avoid "jumping the gun" at any time.  Taking deep breaths and rethinking things over in our heads can help stall making the brief mistakes of misjudging people and their circumstances.   Take a step or two back and reevaluate the situation and NEVER, NEVER forget the "Golden Rules".  

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Way ahead of yourself

Her voice trailed with mockery as she said to me, "You're way ahead of yourself there mom".  Referring to my brilliant ideas in starting our her singing career.  Mele is 12 years old and she's learning how to play the guitar from various "youtube" channels.   She's one string short of the sixth because we haven't got spare change to get anymore.   Of course, as a mother, my dreams for all my children far outshine the sun itself.   It consumes me but doesn't derange me.
"Why don't you start writing your own songs Mele", I suggested. 
"Look at Taylor Swift, she started  out at about your age.  She wrote her own songs.  Why, when you reach 16 or 17 you'll be a superstar"  I continued.   She hesitates for a second then said, "But it's hard to write your own songs."   I replied, "You're a great writer Mele, it'll come to you." 
Last week she came home with a medallion bestowed upon her by the Mayor of West Jordan for best essay in her schools D.A.R.E program.  Before that, she wrote another essay that got her an "A" and amazes her teacher.   She truly has a gift for writing.  
I admit that sometimes, YES,  I do get "way ahead of myself" when it comes to my kids talents.  As long as I'm alive and breathing, I want to assist them in any way I can so they can develop those God-given talents.    I'm not about to have them stuff it in a closet or hide it "under a bushel".  That would be a total waste.  This new year 2011 is all about developing talents. 

Friday, January 21, 2011

Mid-life Crisis

When I think about mid-life crisis, I  picture in my head all kinds of horrific crashes.   Car crashes, train crashes, plane crashes and a big mountain crashing down on me, swallowing me up, burying me alive and suffocating me.  Half-way into this journey of  "LIFE" between 40 and 60, we pause and take a quick glance backward and for  many, it suddenly hits home.    BOINK!!!   Cr@SH*!!!
"What in the flippin hell have I been doing with my life?"  
"How did I get to this point?"   
"How can I dig myself out of this pit?" 
"Where do I go from here?"  
"How will I survive this?"   So many hopeless questions. 
I'm sure some are forever, within their marriages,  contemplating upon: 
"Ooops, I picked me the wrong woman/man.  Should have gotten the one that got away."
"What in the world did I ever see in him/her?" 
"I can't believe I fell for that crap again."
 "Has he/she always been insufferable?"
"By golly I never thought he/she would bore me to tears." 
"She has become a dried up old prune"  (Huh, this is a good one)
"Oh wow, here comes that hunk of a boss or that hot, sexy,younger looking babe".  Wink. Wink.
All the "commonplaces" in your marriage become your "battlegrounds".
What you use to love about your spouse when you first met is the utmost annoyance in your marriage. 

Then, there are others who ignorantly dwell in their stage of denial
Deny Deny Deny
"Well, I never saw it coming."  
"Never in a million years."
The "should have been", "could have been", "would have been"s  of reality.
Your mothers lovely face saying, "Didn't I tell you?"  
Yet, The signs were all there.  Oh yeah.   We were  momentarily blindsided  by love, lust, greed and something else. 
At this "crashing" point in our lives, within these "Crisis" in our middle ages, there  follows a pivotal period of decision making. 
To set things right.  To fix things.  To make things pleasant and to make a brand new start. 
Time to make that change.  Urgently and Immediately. 
Sadly, some will choose to remain  angry, bittter and unforgiving.   They allow resentment and holding grudges to eat away at them.  
I say, sulk if you must, cry out loud, weep quietly if you must, scream, shout, kick and spit if you must. 
Do what you need to do and  then make that change.  
Even if you have to swim, crawl, limp, walk, run and waltz from the crashes of Midlife. 
Pick yourself up!  Dig yourself out wherever you are,  for "LIFE" is simply too beautiful and short to dwell in our Midlife Crisis'.   

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Bring 'em out girls

"Natural", I find, just doesn't cut it when you reach a certain age.   Now, the body needs some kind of enhancement to help it out with its journey in housing our souls.   I'm not talking about plastic surgery.  Plastic surgery on the face just make it look deformed.   For older women at that.    I'm talking about anti-wrinkle creams, firm, tone and tightening of the skin serums.  Supplements, cleanse, green tea and a whole lot of water.  My sister loves her green tea and I adore her for it but honestly, I don't know how she can stand the stuff.   The smell of it alone turns my stomach.  It's foul.  And for exercising, I'm thinking it's a must to recruit a partner to boost your motivation level up a notch.  Doing it alone can be downright boring.

Eating healthy is a must but at this point in my life, it'll take a miracle to change my eating habits.  I'll just consume more lettuce and tomatoes to balance out the oreos and chocolate.  LOL.  But I know my eating habits has got to go.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Am I over the hill yet?

Awaiting my 47th birthday and suddenly I'm feeling a tad too old.  Some say that going over the hill begins at 40 but I've always been one to view life in the glass-half-full category, life begins at 40.   It was true, back when I was 40 too.  After having 7 children and a few miscarriages, I hit 40 with a bang.  40 didn't have anything on me.   I was in the best shape that I ever was in all my whole adult life.  Lost weight, exercise daily, eat healthy and whipping my kids and a few others in Racquetball and outrunning them in basketball.  It lasted a few years, before a few unfortunate turns in life crippled me from continuing in that route along the line of "life begins at 40". 

Now, 3 years short of turning half-a century-old, I'm wondering why it seems I'm hurdling over the hill instead of dragging my feet.   My sister-in-law, Yvonne and I made a pack back at 39 that we weren't going gracefully into our 40s.  Now,  I'm not so sure I'm  putting up too much resistant.  I'm letting myself go!  The roots of my hair needs retouching, I need to get back to my exercise routine, eat healthy and not to mention I'm stalling in plucking my eyebrows that now can grow wild and bushy and white. YUCK!!   Where did my will power go when I was 40?

Well thank the Lord for new years.   I have a long list of New Year Resolutions.  I haven't started yet but I'm practicing "PATIENCE".   It's coming.  I have a few secret ammunition that in indispensable in resuming my battle with that  "hill".    Especially now that pre-menopause is tailing me and pain joints are nagging at me.  Is turning 47 truly the "over the hill" age?  I'm wondering.  Seriously wondering.  

It will not be an easy battle.   The more I delay getting started, that scarier the "hill" looks.  Gradually transforming into a "mountain".   A woman can not begin without proper equipments.  I will deal with those equipments in my next blog.