Tuesday, March 29, 2011

On Joe Massey death

(Written on Feb. 17th 2010)

I saw death again to-day.  Countless times I've experienced death through close family and close friends.  Yet when I see a mother weeping over her child, the depth of grief, I can only assess, must be devastating and sad.  But like the birth of a child, the depth of joy a mother feels, must equal in opposite, the depth of grief and bereavement when loosing a child.

Birth and death, arrival and departure, joy and grief.  Entrance into life and exiting out of life.  All contradictions yet inevitable in the journey of humanity.  I thought about Joe when I saw him at the ICU.  I wonder when a spirit departs from this vessel that we call "body", does it do one last round of this earth before they leave it for good?

I saw a beautiful picture of a waterfall, gently flowing down into a river.  If I were Joe, I would take one last dive into that clear cool water.  One last dip and let my spirit fly through the earth before I leave it for good.  Joe's body was still warm.  Gradually though it began to drop its temperature.  Getting slowly, slowly cold. 
Leaving the body to decay into dust once again.  Does the spirit soar when the body is left behind?  I guess no one knows until we get there.  I love Joe.  I may not have been close to him, but I still love him.

Monday, March 21, 2011


My dear beloved Aunt Mele Mapa passed away last Friday.  Slowly, one by one, the ones I love continues  to leave this world.  Hers was so unexpected.  She's only 65 years old after all.  I love Mele and her death puncture my heart as if it was my own mother.  Realizing that this world is without her is so very sad.  Knowing that you won't see them in this lifetime is so final and bereaving. 

When I was young, I was terrified of death.  It was like encountering the devil himself.  So terrible and frightening.  I never wanted it to happen to me nor to those I love.  Gradually as time goes, I begin to understand death.  That it is the only gateway out of this mortality into immortality.  No one can escape it.  Everyone must go through it.  Gracefully or kicking and screaming.  It is unavoidable, inevitable and undeniable. 

The sting of death leaves you in grief.  The absence of one so dear and close to your heart is devastatingly hollow.  The finality of it all creates a hole in your heart because it snatches those you love out of your life.  As if a glow and the warmth of a candlelight  is snuffed out leaving their place cold and dreary.   No one else can fill it or take their place.  They are IRREPLACABLE. 

Death no longer frightens me.  The absence of people I love in this lifetime terrifies me.  My family, my friends, acquaintances and all.  There are many I don't want to live without and a few who can't live without me such and my own children.  Not yet anyway.  So death for me can wait until all my children are grown and can take care of themselves.  Then and only then will I exit willingly.   Other then that, bound and gag me for all I care, I refuse to go unless I'm ready.  In my own due time.  (Wink)

Monday, March 14, 2011

Home Sweet Home

Just got back from Family Reunion in Hawaii and man did we have a blast.  Where is home anyway?  Where your house is?  Not.  Where your heart is?  Yes.  While vacationing in Hawaii I realize that I don't need a house to be at home.  Home is where my family is.  Where my children are.  People I love and care for.  Even a palace without my family won't be home to me.  A hut with my children and family is home to me.

I love going on vacations.  The air here in Hawaii is so wet.  You're either drenched in sweat or rain or you're wet in swimming.  It's so relaxing though and it makes me want to lay back, absorb and bask in the beauty of this place and the tropically warm weather.  Our hotel is Aqua Hotel in Honolulu.  I looked around and  further off the distant are the more exquisite and glamorous hotels.  I think about how in this world we're always categorized in classes.  The poor, the middle-class and the rich and famous.  Even in hotels you can tell which class one is in by where you're bunking down at.  Here at the Aqua, would be the so/so.  Outside is the strip of Honolulu and at night, it's infested with drunks, hookers and whores.  There are policemen in every block and the sirens are audible throughout the night.  Sin city has a twin and it's right here in downtown Honolulu.

We're given earplugs to plug our ears if noises gets too unbearable.  Right across is the International Market.  Everything in Honolulu and Waikiki is international.  Rarely do you see a pure blooded Polynesian around.  They are back further towards the bushes.  Here are the tourists, Orientals and Philipinos.   It's like Chinatown in San Francisco or Los Angeles.  

The atmosphere in Hawaii is truly refreshing.  So different from the snow back in Utah.  I really don't miss my house.  I miss my family back there though yet it's good to get away if only for a week.  Never would I want to live anywhere without them or far from them.  I can make a home anywhere as long as those I love surrounds me.   Home is truly where the heart is.