Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Regrets and Resolutions

REGRET is a dreaded word.  Gives the mouth a sour taste whenever it says the word.  The could have beens, should have beens and would have beens of our lives.  No one is immune to it.  Now and then, here and there, once, twice, thrice or more, something's got to give and we make wrong choices.  A by the moment choice, or a purposeful choice just to end up embittered by regrets.  It could be a word said, and it doesn't have to be a mouthful of words.  A misdeed, mistake, miscalculation or misjudged.  Intent or with no intentions as to where the consequences fall.

The "IF ONLY" of our realities.  A second too late, a minute too soon could have altered what would seem to be a cruel fate or an unalterable doom.

The choices we make, the choices we make... echoes like chanting, cacophonous and oh so inharmonious with the impending corollaries of our mistakes.

Should have waited
Speak out
Curb your tongue:  Silence!
Patience:  "think before your act"
Just DO IT!

Can I take it back?  What I said, what I did?  Can I take it back?  TOO LATE!

R E G R E T S.

Yesterday while we were on our way to my Auntie Peta's Dr. appointment, we received a tragic call from a dear  relative of ours that his wife Nola, another aunt of mine, is in the hospital.  She was getting out of her car in the parking lot when another driver rammed his car into her, breaking both her legs.  Instantly my heart went out to my dear sweet aunt.  Could she ever walk again?  I wondered.  Or will she be bound to a wheelchair for the rest of her life, like my mother was bedridden!  A crack of a second, it was almost tangible, the agony and grief she must have gone through at that precise moment, suspended in time.  The REALIZATION!  Suddenly All my trivial pursuits and problems seem fleeing and insignificant in comparison  to what Nola must be going through at this moment.

REGRET feeds on self-pity, cowardice and weakness.  In our darkest moments, if we're not careful we'll be overwhelm and boxed in by our grief.  It'll seem as if the devil's on our back and we can't just "shake it off" as the song says.    Some are willing to go on an everlasting waltz with the devil.  Not allowing bygones to be bygones and let things go.  Instead they tangle on allowing the long, poisonous claws of regret dig deeper into their hearts.  Like an infested wound that won't be given a chance to heal.  Regret will become our demon if we let it wear us down.  Accept things as they are and move forward, learning from the past and striving for a better future. 

"With a Brightness of Hope". 

Saturday, November 17, 2012

My Ways Are NOT Thy Ways

The other day I went to visit her in the cemetery and was unnaturally shocked that it was covered with snow.  I don't know why I was shocked, after all it had been snowing!  I guess I've been so used to seeing her plot green and to discover it cemented with snow kind of dazzled me.  My flowers have been routinely removed for ever since the weather turned, I haven't been able to do my usual weekly visits.  Five days after Halloween has been long gone and her grave stood with no flowers as if I've forgotten about her.  I had to request that they remove the snow from her plot.  The gentleman in the office after taking down her name and my phone number apologized,  "Sorry for the snow".  I merely chuckled for I know he was being sarcastic.  As if he could have stopped the snow had he wanted to.      

Ever since her passing I've found myself constantly thinking about her.  I miss her gravely.  My mom.  Every now and then a song, an aroma, a person or nature itself turn my thoughts toward her and a flood of questions, old and new burns within my mind. 

Why did she have to die the way she did?  

Did she deserve to die in such a way?  Breast Cancer and Stroke leaving her paralyzed and bedridden?.

Was is a punishment?  A curse?  From her past? 

Could we have done more to save her?

Had God forsaken her?  Forsaken us? 

Wouldn't it had been better if she died right away.  Less pain, less worry?

With all the understanding I have of the Plan of Salvation and that in life we have to suffer through afflictions and sickness, how then, do I still dare to question or doubt God's will.  When my mother was still alive there were moments where she had begged for death.  It tore me apart to witness her in such a state because we have been pleading for her to live.  "Give us more time with her please" we've begged.  Not only myself but also my siblings.  And even when she lived, we still didn't make the most of her life and there were days where she felt anything but neglected by her children for she longed for them every day.

Visions of her in different stages of my childhood, comes to mind.  Her smiles, her laughter, her anger which was very rare.  The way she provided for us and the way she loved us.  I remember her in so many different ways. She had endured her afflictions well.  This woman, as much as her mind was altered by her stroke, she never ever complained or want to burden us with complains of pain.  Only towards the end, when her body was overcome with the disease, did we notice the strain of pain and the worry on her lovely face.

I can prolong these torturous questions that haunts my mind and may eventually bring the wrath of God upon my head.  Or, I can give in and trust in Him that everything happens for a reason and I don't have nor need to know the reason why.  That the Almighty is all-knowing and that my ways are never His ways.  To accept that in this life, there need to be an "opposition" in all things.  Pain vs. Pleasure.  Good vs. Evil.  Sickness vs. Health and Vitality and the list goes on and on.

Perhaps what I need to do most of all, is let go of these doubts and appreciate what I've been blessed with.   The fact that I'm still breathing is a MIRACLE on its own.  And for the rest of those I love most, how precious and exquisite this life is and to make it count.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012


The phrase:  "I wish I knew then what I know now", every now and then feels more like a dagger to my brain then wishful thinking.  Had I knew then what I know now I'd have done SOME THINGS differently.  And not reason them away like a smug and well prepared lawyer.   With that being said, SOME THINGS sums up to a mountain of one thing only and that is EDUCATION!  Yes! I wished I'd have stayed in college and finish up what I really came here to America for.  Moreover, why is the statement "Youth is wasted on the Young" rings more clearer now then when I read it as a youth!  Especially, indeed and of course when it comes to my children!

For some times now I've struggled to calm this immense hunger and thirst that torments my mind.  Like a piece of parched and deserted soil longing for water and nourishment.  Truly, some people including me, can refer to myself as an Educated Woman, just because I've put in a couple of years in college.  Why then do I feel deprived and gravely lacking?   I'm well aware of what I lack.  I lack the proper training and learning that goes on inside the great establishment of a SCHOOL.  With teachers and professors teaching you inside the confinement of a CLASSROOM!  And why is this thought of EDUCATION seems so appealing now that I'm getting old when it was somehow repulsive when I was in college?

Do I really have to wonder?  I refuse to discuss the reasons why I dropped out of college in the first place.  Sometimes those reasons makes me smile a Heavenly smirk.  Sometimes they make me want to poke myself in the eye and spit in the air!  Education has always been a household rule when I was growing up.  Mom and Dad couldn't pound it enough into our brains.  A lot of good that did us.  None of us took it to our hearts and our heads.  We're paying the price and it's a costly one.   I chose not to listen and dare I expect the same from the fruits of my loin?  It's almost like I've just shot myself in the foot.   

My husband thinks it's too late to go back to school.  Oh yeah?  I beg to differ.  If that's the case then why do I see people twice my age wheel-chairing back to school.  Some with canes and walkers, crutches and all.  If I have to crawl I'll do it because I can no longer deny this need to educate my brains.  It's been dormant too long and lately I've been feeling like I'm brain-dead.  So AGONIZING! 

To my children if you're reading this, I say:  STAY IN SCHOOL!!!  If you're not in school, make time to go back.  It is IMPERATIVE that you do.   Take it from one whose one and only regret is not finishing school.  I wish I'd have listened to my parents and STAYED IN SCHOOL!